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We need to talk about these left-handers.

I’m prepared to accept that they haven’t chosen to be left-handed, unfortunately I can’t refute the evidence any more. But just because they haven’t chosen to be that way, doesn’t mean they can’t learn to be right-handed.

But even if they can’t learn to be right-handed, I just don’t want their left-handedness shoved down my throat. I’ve accepted there are left-handed people in the world, my own dearly departed mother was left handed, one of my great nephews is left handed and some of my closest friends are. But when I ask them not to practise their left-handedness in front of me, they take offence for some reason. How hard is it to just not write with your left hand in front of me? I mean come on, especially in front of children who shouldn’t be exposed to that sort of thing.

What really worries me is when left-handers start to want to hijack activities like writing, playing guitar and doing sports. We can’t really call it writing if it’s done with the left hand, can we? That’s redefining what writing is. And to truly understand writing – which is the apex of all activities a hand can do – we must turn to the Bible for our definition of right and wrong. The Bible is after all the final word on everything we do (except all the things it doesn’t mention, like brushing our teeth or getting an A-Level or walking out in front of a car) and we must sublimate our reason, tradition and especially experience to it. That way we have a nice lopsided stool to sit on, with a long scripture leg, medium sized tradition leg, smaller reason leg and well, the experience leg is just a stump really. You have to have good strong stomach muscles to sit on our stool man…. yes, see I can use clever metaphors, I’m not a literalist or anything like that!

There’s nothing in the Bible that would support a positive affirmation of left-handedness. Jesus Himself sits at the Father’s RIGHT hand (NOT the left, significant, don’t you think?!). The parable of the sheep and the goats places the selfish hell bound evil-doers on the LEFT hand side. One of Jacob’s two favoured sons is called Benjamin – son of my RIGHT hand; the favoured and blessed hand. And when Jacob blesses Joseph’s two sons, Ephraim and Manassah, he places his left hand on the older brother Manassah. This greatly displeases Joseph, for it signified the supplanting of the older brother by the younger, the younger brother Ephraim receiving the greater blessing via the RIGHT hand, with Manassah receiving an inferior blessing via the LEFT hand.

And the story that Left-handers drag out to say they should be not only treated as equal, but celebrated? Yes, Ehud the Left handed a Judge who freed Israel from an oppressive overlord by concealing his sword on his right hip and stabbing his hugely overweight enemy until the rolls of fat enveloped the sword. This has been twisted by people who want to ignore biblical principles and promote their own left-handed lifestyle. This is a story of a sneaky and unreliable left-hander who takes advantage of a disabled man and murders him while unarmed. I’d say that was an excellent example of why we should neither trust nor laud these abominations.

And as such, not only must we ask them not to practise their deviation before us, not only must we ask them not to hijack the holy practice of writing by using their left hands – for the word of God is communicated by writing, and He has also written our names on his hand (oh, but if he wrote it with his right hand, then the names must be on his left and that’s bad… wait, scrub that part) so it is a Holy activity closely associated with our relationship with God as without the writing of Scripture we would not know about god or Jesus or Sin or Guilt….. Sorry getting carried away. Where was I? Oh, yes.. Left-Handers must not be allowed to Hijack the Holy activity of Writing, or else we must think of a different word for Christian Writing to differentiate it from the deviated form that left-handers practise. For it is self evident that it is deviated, they must either contort their arms or else smudge what they have written. It is obvious to anyone this is not how it is supposed to be done.

And above all things they must not be appointed leaders, for they are literally sinister and just like Ehud they are sneaky and untrustworthy.

Plus it all just weirds me out!!

If you think this is all a little ludicrous, that’s because it is. If you think that this is really rather hurtful and potentially spiteful, that’s because it is. If you think this is faulty reasoning and relationally damaging, that’s because it is. If you think it’s funny…. actually it’s not, because it’s real. Except it’s not the rhetoric that left-handers are subject to, it’s the daily onslaught of garbage that LGBTQI+ folk are subject to – and worse.

Wake up church and smell the Pink Roses. Kyrie Eleison

And just for fun – This is a list of Famous Left Handers